Can I be an Illegal Alien too?

To Honorable Sen. Mark Dayton
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Dayton,

As a native Minnesotan, and an excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien, and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five Years.

I know a good deal when I see one, and I am anxious to get the process started. By my quick calculations (math never being my strong suit), I can expect a check from the IRS of about $14,000.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year- so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes, in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me because in contributed mightily to the federal treasury in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for my medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my future children would receive preferential treatment relative to their collage applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license, and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given my natural aversion to long lines, ending with confrontations with abject morons.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.


Rob Godfrey