My Anti-Mall Diatribe/I Love the USA

Why do I hate Malls?

Oh, let me tell you…

So today I went out to the Ridgedale Mall (MN), which was very busy by the way, and here’s what I encountered.

The parking lot was packed, so one had to drive around a little bit to find a space.

Well, here’s where the stupidity begins.

Some woman in her little SUV spots a space open up, the only problem is, to be the first to get it, she has to go the wrong way down the aisle, as it were, to beat everybody else to it.

The decision was instantaneous, as it should be for a parking spot (gag), so she shoots down the wrong way to get it.

Now, picture in your mind someone trying to park in a diagonal spot from the wrong way.

She couldn’t make the turn on the first try, second, third, fourth, or even fifth try. Two inches forward, one inch backward, on and on and on and on, all the while bottling up traffic in every direction.

So let’s just say that my disposition was slightly askew as the day wore on.

Now, I love people, especially old people, they deserve respect, but don’t push it.

Now, nothing is more charming than an old couple at the mall debating their next move; you know, “should we get a cup of joe, or hit the orthopedic shoe store?”

That’s Americana at it’s most charming, that is, UNLESS THEY’RE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ESCALATOR FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They probably had a dozen or more people bottled up, as they debated the decision like it was Ike deciding when to hit Normandy, and all the while completely impervious to the impatient bottleneck they were causing.

When I’m King, anybody over the age of 65 will only be allowed in a mall between the hours of 8-5, Monday through Friday, or, basically, when they’re empty.

Can someone please tell teenage girls that Brittney Spears is now 45 years old, so you might want to find a new wardrobe inspiration. I’ve seen this tragedy before, as in the Flashdance craze of the 80’s that went on way too many years.

It was flat out painful to watch women in their ankle warmers well into the early 90’s.

Now, I’m against universal health care not because I’m evil, as Democrats would have you believe, I’m against it because I don’t think it’s ethical for the Gov’t to take my hard earned money to pay for something which someone who doesn’t feel like working wants.

That’s a battle for another day, however, because today I want to modify my position in this area just slightly.

After seeing the teeth on the two women next to me at Arby’s today at lunch, I am now supporting universal dental care 100%.

As I looked around at the myriad of diverse people throughout the mall, I stopped and thought to myself; “with this cross section of morons, dunces, narcissists , fools, idiots, and vainglorious wannabes, how the hell are we ever going to win the war on terror.”

About 2 minutes later I figured it out (and I’m surprised it took me that long), the cream of the American crop is already overseas fighting for freedom.

That’s where the best, and the brightest, and the strongest America has to offer are right now. They aren’t at some stupid shopping mall, they’re on ships and planes, and battlefields all over the world fighting for our freedom to go to a shopping mall back here, so we can complain about parking, teenage clothes, and bad teeth.

My disposition has returned to calm. Hooorah!